And Then The Fight Started... - Printable Version

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And Then The Fight Started... - Deutschmark - 09.10.2011

HOW TO START A FIGHT.
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

...........................................................................

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

..........................................................................

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

:mrgreen:
Deutschmark

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Re: And Then The Fight Started... - RadPig94 - 09.10.2011

most of these must be true

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Re: And Then The Fight Started... - Deutschmark - 09.10.2011

RadPig94 Wrote:most of these must be true

Rad my dear little boy... They are jokes nothing more.

Deutschmark

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Re: And Then The Fight Started... - Jambo - 10.10.2011

:mrgreen: :lol: :)

Real funny! Both of you! :mrgreen:

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Re: And Then The Fight Started... - Planemad - 10.10.2011

LOL, the frist one is brilliant :mrgreen:

Planemad

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Re: And Then The Fight Started... - Guest - 10.10.2011

funny stuff keep em comming deutsch :lol:

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Re: And Then The Fight Started... - Serpiko - 11.10.2011

RadPig94 Wrote:most of these must be true

If they were, you'd probably know by checking next day's news about domestic violence :mrgreen:

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Re: And Then The Fight Started... - KG64_Cnopicilin - 11.10.2011

Some nice jokes there again, DM! :mrgreen:

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